Last week, 17-year-old Trent Mays and 16-year-old Ma'lik Richmond were found guilty of raping a 16-year-old girl at a house party in Steubenville, Ohio. The victim wasn't aware she'd been raped until pictures, videos, and tweets about the event went viral on social media.
There are so many layers to this story....so many sickening layers. The first layer is that this occurred at all. The next is that there were countless high-school age kids there who witnessed, took pictures and video of the act, and said or did nothing. Apparently, there are still countless students unwilling to cooperate with authorities. The third is that there are adults who, at some point, were made aware of the events and did nothing.
The next layer is that Steubenville is not an isolated incident. In this digital age, children are being raised to think and act completely different than my peers and those generations before us. I've encountered peers my age who, when confronted about something
they posted online, replied "Facebook isn't real life." Isn't it though?
And if you think that at age 25 and older, then what does that say
about children 18 and under?
There are a number of lessons to be learned by the events that occurred at that party as well as those that continue to occur in the aftermath of the verdict. Each of us can learn something, so the best way to address it is by addressing each group.
Boys/Young Men
I was sickened to watch videos of boys not only violating a girl who clearly was incoherent, but also laughing and joking about how "she is so raped." At what point in society did rape become a joke? When did that become something that we make light and fun of, when it happens to a girl. Young men, you need to know that rape is NOT a joke. It is a serious violation of a female, one of the most heinous acts you can commit to a female. NO female deserves to be raped, regardless of how she is dressed, carries herself, or what she says and does. NO female deserves to be violated...ever. It's that simple. Young men are supposed to be raised to protect women, not destroy them and ridicule them in the process. You MUST stop listening to stupid lyrics in songs that degrade women, insinuate that drugging and raping women is acceptable behavior, and realize that you are responsible for your actions, good and bad. It doesn't make you a man to sleep with multiple women and hurt them. It makes you a coward. It doesn't make you above the law because you play a sport. In fact, there are and will be more eyes on you, because you do. This means you must make choices that not only ensure your safety and progress, but those of others around you. Your athletic abilities do not make you invincible...remember that. Crying that you are sorry after committing a crime means that you are sorry you were caught. The mark of a real man is how he treats the women in his life. If you do not commit any physical act, but are witness to it, take pictures, and do nothing about it, then you are JUST as culpable, if not more. It makes you more of a coward, because you stood by and did nothing. It makes you more of a follower, because you didn't have the presence of mind to do right when so much wrong was going on around you.
Girls/Young Women
You have a responsibility to protect yourself at all times. I tell my students continuously, "no one can fight for you like you." Remember your worth. Remember that you are a prize. It is never ok for a male to grab you or any body part, no matter how much they say they are joking. You must demand respect for yourself. In addition, you must be aware of your surroundings at all times. More importantly, if you see another female who is NOT, and is being violated in ANY way, you must help her. You must remember that every young man you encounter was not raised to treat young women with respect. As a result, you must remember that you teach people how to treat you. You must NEVER threaten a victim of a crime for standing up for herself. It was so disheartening to learn that two female students sent threatening texts and messages to the victim after these young men were found guilty. What kind of world do we live in now where young women threaten rape victims now? You must remember to ALWAYS stand up for what's right. You don't deserve to be violated, neither does anyone else, male or female. If you see wrong happening, you must tell someone. If you don't, shame on you. Remember to surround yourself with people who enhance you, not degrade you. You don't have to do what everyone else does. That's not the mark of a true leader. They observe the masses and do the opposite. Remembering this will always help you make better decisions.
Parents
You have a responsibility to be parents, not friends. You should not allow your children to have or attend parties where there is underage drinking. If you are aware of this, you have a responsibility to report it to the appropriate authorities. Your children are your first priority. They didn't ask to be here. Your lifestyle must change to ensure that they are being raised to be productive members of society. This means teaching your children right from wrong. In addition, it means leading by example. When crimes occur, it's your responsibility to report them and lead by example, no matter if it's your child or not. You have an obligation to teach your sons that rape is NOT ok. It is NOT a joke. It's not something to tweet and post pics of jokingly. In fact, they should be appalled to even hear the word, let alone witness it. Your children should be scared of YOU before they are scared of the law. Your children are not your friends. They are not your peers. Defending your children when they are wrong means that you are not being a responsible parent. You have a responsibility to teach your daughters that their bodies are not to be violated by them or anyone else. You must teach them to respect themselves and others. You must teach them that some people will not respect them, and they should be prepared to handle these situations correctly, should they be forced to encounter them. Simply put, you must be a parent.
Coaches/Teachers/Other Adults
You are the individuals that these students look up to when they don't look up to their parents. You should be more concerned about developing great human beings than winning championships. You often learn about things long before parents do. As a result, you are expected to do the right thing and not turn a blind eye to wrong, especially in such a horrific example as this. No trophy, award, or prize is worth some child's life.
There is so much about this situation that was horrific, disgusting, unbelievable, and tragic. Three lives are forever changed, and countless more will probably follow. Are we back to a time where women are viewed with no value in this society? Is this what we are raising our boys and young men to think?
Furthermore, whether you are young or old, male or female, black or white, you must learn that right is right, and wrong is wrong. Period. Steubenville isn't just some small town in Ohio. This is happening around the country, and around the globe. We each have a responsibility to ensure this never happens again.
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Hair and the Hype: What We Really Should Learn from the Hampton Hair Debate
Last week, the media outlets were abuzz with a Virginia news report that detailed Hampton University's business school bans male students from wearing cornrows and dreadlocks. This ban, which we note has been in place for the past 11 years, is designed to help students ensure corporate jobs. The recent report, and interview of current Hampton students has sparked a number of debates across social networks and the African-American community. How can a school ban hair styles for students? They should be able to wear their hair however they choose? Isn't that a freedom of expression? More importantly, shouldn't a student's work ethic and performance speak for them?
I've heard a number of arguments on either side of this. As a disclaimer, my opinion only. Here goes....In a perfect world, yes, everyone should be able to express themselves in whatever way they see fit (dress, hair, etc.). If you are talented, and can get the work done, that should be all that matters. However, we don't live in a perfect world. And the truth is that, the corporate world still dictates a lot of tradition that other sectors don't (i.e. engineering). Most corporate environments still require business/business casual attire. There may be a "casual Friday," but even that is TBD, based on whether that Friday requires any customer interaction.
The real truth, and this is where some may choose to not read, is that, as African-Americans, we still suffer from the black tax. When entering an environment where we don't call the shots, we have to not only play the game, but play it better than our counterparts to get in the door. Unfortunately, corporate America still isn't 100% ready to see the diverse style that we express.
In addition, Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) still have an obligation to help students get from point A to point B. There are many students who come to college never owning a suit, not knowing how to "shift" between work and home environments, and who don't have good interview skills to even land a job. Unfortunately, students are judged before they are even contacted for an interview, based on their name, choice of institution, etc. Appearance then becomes another grounds for critique in this world.
It's imperative that HBCUs to do two things in the 21st century to prepare students:
1. Explain to students that current corporations and institutions require you to play the game. This means that, if you want a job on Wall St., you may have to change your appearance to get your foot in the door. Once you are IN, THEN you can become a change agent. However, you have to get in first. This is what Hampton's business school is currently teaching students. Nothing wrong with this, in my opinion. I require men in my class to remove their hats, else they are prohibited from entering class.Women have to come to class like they are dressed to learn, not hit the club. You can't show up to an interview like that and, contrary to what Allen Iverson thinks, you play how you practice. You can't show up for game day and think it all comes together without ever "talkin about PRACTICE."
2. If you don't like the rules, then you make your own. This means that you have to CREATE the opportunities for yourself. Start your own business, utilize your resources, network, and opportunities to build a brand and show that you are more than your hair, style, or degrees for that matter. Isn't this basically what 90% of Silicon Valley has done? Does anyone remember IBM in the 80s? Everyone wore a blue or black suit (male and female)...now look at Facebook,Google, Microsoft, and other companies. Casual is the norm. But that industry changed because people MADE it change. How does that happen in business? The same has to happen.
In order for that to happen, universities, particularly HBCUs, have to focus on teaching students BOTH sides of this argument. If you want to play in someone else's game, you have to play by their rules. That means conforming in some minds, but hey, you want to get in the game, those are the rules. If you don't want to do that, then you have to be willing to do your own thing. Doing that requires not only talent, but determination, dedication, and initiative. That has to be stressed throughout classrooms across the country. Brin and Page (Google), Zuckerburg (Facebook), and countless others didn't just do their work in the class and that was it. They dedicated countless hours outside of the classroom to honing their skills and building something they believed in, even when others told them they were insane. This has to happen across HBCUs across the country.
So, this isn't about what Hampton shouldn't have done. At the end of the day, it's a university, and a private on for that matter. They can, effectively, call the shots. Again, you have choices. If you don't like it, you have options. But we also have to make sure that we present students with BOTH sides of this game, and how critical it is to begin to produce more of the latter in order to effectively change the game.
I've heard a number of arguments on either side of this. As a disclaimer, my opinion only. Here goes....In a perfect world, yes, everyone should be able to express themselves in whatever way they see fit (dress, hair, etc.). If you are talented, and can get the work done, that should be all that matters. However, we don't live in a perfect world. And the truth is that, the corporate world still dictates a lot of tradition that other sectors don't (i.e. engineering). Most corporate environments still require business/business casual attire. There may be a "casual Friday," but even that is TBD, based on whether that Friday requires any customer interaction.
The real truth, and this is where some may choose to not read, is that, as African-Americans, we still suffer from the black tax. When entering an environment where we don't call the shots, we have to not only play the game, but play it better than our counterparts to get in the door. Unfortunately, corporate America still isn't 100% ready to see the diverse style that we express.
In addition, Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs) still have an obligation to help students get from point A to point B. There are many students who come to college never owning a suit, not knowing how to "shift" between work and home environments, and who don't have good interview skills to even land a job. Unfortunately, students are judged before they are even contacted for an interview, based on their name, choice of institution, etc. Appearance then becomes another grounds for critique in this world.
It's imperative that HBCUs to do two things in the 21st century to prepare students:
1. Explain to students that current corporations and institutions require you to play the game. This means that, if you want a job on Wall St., you may have to change your appearance to get your foot in the door. Once you are IN, THEN you can become a change agent. However, you have to get in first. This is what Hampton's business school is currently teaching students. Nothing wrong with this, in my opinion. I require men in my class to remove their hats, else they are prohibited from entering class.Women have to come to class like they are dressed to learn, not hit the club. You can't show up to an interview like that and, contrary to what Allen Iverson thinks, you play how you practice. You can't show up for game day and think it all comes together without ever "talkin about PRACTICE."
2. If you don't like the rules, then you make your own. This means that you have to CREATE the opportunities for yourself. Start your own business, utilize your resources, network, and opportunities to build a brand and show that you are more than your hair, style, or degrees for that matter. Isn't this basically what 90% of Silicon Valley has done? Does anyone remember IBM in the 80s? Everyone wore a blue or black suit (male and female)...now look at Facebook,Google, Microsoft, and other companies. Casual is the norm. But that industry changed because people MADE it change. How does that happen in business? The same has to happen.
In order for that to happen, universities, particularly HBCUs, have to focus on teaching students BOTH sides of this argument. If you want to play in someone else's game, you have to play by their rules. That means conforming in some minds, but hey, you want to get in the game, those are the rules. If you don't want to do that, then you have to be willing to do your own thing. Doing that requires not only talent, but determination, dedication, and initiative. That has to be stressed throughout classrooms across the country. Brin and Page (Google), Zuckerburg (Facebook), and countless others didn't just do their work in the class and that was it. They dedicated countless hours outside of the classroom to honing their skills and building something they believed in, even when others told them they were insane. This has to happen across HBCUs across the country.
So, this isn't about what Hampton shouldn't have done. At the end of the day, it's a university, and a private on for that matter. They can, effectively, call the shots. Again, you have choices. If you don't like it, you have options. But we also have to make sure that we present students with BOTH sides of this game, and how critical it is to begin to produce more of the latter in order to effectively change the game.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Kids And Computers: A Message to Parents on When to Say When
I just learned of the death of another child, a 14-year old boy in NY who was the victim of cyberbullying for the past 12 months because of his sexuality. I find that things always happen for a reason, and how tragically ironic that, in our middle school classes, the next two days are dedicated to staying safe on the Internet, cyberbullying, and ethical behavior.
I grew up in an era when the only thing you could do on the computer, as a middle or high-school student, was play games like Oregon Trail and Jeopardy. Now, students have access to the world wide web, including social networking sites, porngraphic websites, and more. I was so shocked and appalled when 6 of my 6th-graders told me in class today that they've had Facebook accounts for 3 years. I asked for clarity, "so you mean to tell me you've had a Facebook account since you were in the third grade?" They each responded yes, except one, who informed me she'd had her account for the past year.
Next moment of surprise, when this same student (after being shown a video about how NOT to talk to strangers online and provide personal information to anyone) informed us that, just like the girl in the video, someone on Facebook sent her a friend request and started sending her messages asking her age, if she was a boy or girl, and where she lived, when she denied the request.
For a while, it was very hard for me to understand why some kids have cell phones. There are the exceptions, like those who take the metro, etc. and need accessibility for emergencies, etc. That's understandable. However, I DO NOT understand why a child in 3rd through 8th grade has a Facebook account. Why are 3rd graders on Facebook? Where are the parents? Why would you allow this? What can a child possibly learn or benefit from a Facebook account? One of these 6th grade students told me, they did a search and found his mom, uncle, and a couple of other family members as well.
We've all wondered when parents are going to start being parents, but this is taking this question to a totally different level. I know plenty of people who will not like this blog and, to be honest, I really don't care. There are certain things that need to be said to parents of these kids. Jamey Rodemeyer's death is ANOTHER unfortunate example of when parents must be held accountable. I don't mean the parents of this victim. I mean the parents of his VICTIMIZERS! WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?!
Cyber-bullying has plagued our children since the onset of these social networking sites. Why are our children allowed to have Twitter, Facebook, Foamspring(where his anonymous attacks were posted), and other sites if parents aren't talking to their children about why they not only need or want this account, but how they will use it? From the stories I've read on CNN's website, this child received some HORRIBLE anonymous posts about him on this Foamspring site.
A student at Williamsville North High School, Jamey had been tormented for the past 12 months by cyberbullies who made disparaging comments with gay references on his Formspring account, a website that allows anonymous posts.
"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND [sic] UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" one post said, according to local reports. Another read, "I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"
Why are there still websites allowing anonymous posts? These children and people are COWARDS. They have clearly NOT been taught by their parents to respect others, including their differences. What's worse, they CLEARLY do not have parents who are teaching (or more importantly punishing) them for doing things such as this.
Parents, it is time that you all grow up and become PARENTS and stop trying to be your child's friend? You are supposed to lead by example. Why are so many parents burying their children because they have taken their own life, rather than endure any more torment at the hands of their peers, who are too cowardly to even tell them how they feel to his face? When will we show our children that being different is ENCOURAGED and to be LEADERS and not followers? More importantly, WHEN WILL PARENTS HAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR CHILDREN'S ACTIONS, SUCH AS THESE?
I remember being told, be careful what you say. Because once it's out there, you can't take it back. In this FB era, there is no discretion with these kids. Everything is public news. Their business is tweeted daily, and they don't care what they say or show. What's worse, they think it's ok to say/do whatever, because they've seen their parents, family, and other adults do the same.
I had one 6th grader today, when watching the video about the girl making so many internet safety mistakes yell out "She is so RETARDED! Why would she do that?" I QUICKLY checked him about this comment, how inappropriate it was and how it will NOT happen again in this class or he will be gone. Where are the teachers who will enforce this and stand UP for these kids? They are hurting, they are scared, and they feel like they have no option other than to end their lives? Where are the TEACHERS and ADULTS standing up for these kids and making examples of these bullies?
Parents, you MUST do the following with your children and computers:
1. DO NOT allow them to create social networking accounts, etc. unless they are of a mature age to do so.
2. Discuss safe/appropriate use of the Internet.
3. IF they have accounts, have the passwords to ALL of them. Check these accounts to ensure they are NOT being bullied or are bullying others.
4. Make sure any computer used in the house is ALWAYS used in a common area where others are visible (i.e. living room, kitchen, etc.). Nothing should be a secret operation.
5. Discuss with your kids the importance of being a leader, and the first step in doing that is by standing up for those who are being hurt by others.
6. Do NOT visit sites they shouldn't. Let them know what types of sites are considered inappropriate.
7. Check your Internet History options on your web browser. You can ALWAYS find what sites have been visited on the computer and discuss these with your kids.
8. Place Internet blocks and filters on your computers, to ensure children don't reach these accounts.
9. Discuss bullying and what is considered bullying. Recognize the signs for help and teach your kids to as well.
10. LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Your FB, Twitter, and other accounts should emulate what you want your kids to portray.
How tragically ironic and said that this child took his life on the eve of the Department of Education's 2nd Summit on cyberbullying and the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" How sad that, in 2011, we have to fight such ignorance, not only with adults in the military, but now with our babies?
Now another mother has to bury her child, at the hands of another ignorant parent and child's careless and hurtful comments. There are things that will NOT happen on my watch. I pray that, over the next year, I'm able to save some child's self-esteem, childhood, and more importantly, life.
I grew up in an era when the only thing you could do on the computer, as a middle or high-school student, was play games like Oregon Trail and Jeopardy. Now, students have access to the world wide web, including social networking sites, porngraphic websites, and more. I was so shocked and appalled when 6 of my 6th-graders told me in class today that they've had Facebook accounts for 3 years. I asked for clarity, "so you mean to tell me you've had a Facebook account since you were in the third grade?" They each responded yes, except one, who informed me she'd had her account for the past year.
Next moment of surprise, when this same student (after being shown a video about how NOT to talk to strangers online and provide personal information to anyone) informed us that, just like the girl in the video, someone on Facebook sent her a friend request and started sending her messages asking her age, if she was a boy or girl, and where she lived, when she denied the request.
For a while, it was very hard for me to understand why some kids have cell phones. There are the exceptions, like those who take the metro, etc. and need accessibility for emergencies, etc. That's understandable. However, I DO NOT understand why a child in 3rd through 8th grade has a Facebook account. Why are 3rd graders on Facebook? Where are the parents? Why would you allow this? What can a child possibly learn or benefit from a Facebook account? One of these 6th grade students told me, they did a search and found his mom, uncle, and a couple of other family members as well.
We've all wondered when parents are going to start being parents, but this is taking this question to a totally different level. I know plenty of people who will not like this blog and, to be honest, I really don't care. There are certain things that need to be said to parents of these kids. Jamey Rodemeyer's death is ANOTHER unfortunate example of when parents must be held accountable. I don't mean the parents of this victim. I mean the parents of his VICTIMIZERS! WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?!
Cyber-bullying has plagued our children since the onset of these social networking sites. Why are our children allowed to have Twitter, Facebook, Foamspring(where his anonymous attacks were posted), and other sites if parents aren't talking to their children about why they not only need or want this account, but how they will use it? From the stories I've read on CNN's website, this child received some HORRIBLE anonymous posts about him on this Foamspring site.
A student at Williamsville North High School, Jamey had been tormented for the past 12 months by cyberbullies who made disparaging comments with gay references on his Formspring account, a website that allows anonymous posts.
"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND [sic] UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" one post said, according to local reports. Another read, "I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"
Why are there still websites allowing anonymous posts? These children and people are COWARDS. They have clearly NOT been taught by their parents to respect others, including their differences. What's worse, they CLEARLY do not have parents who are teaching (or more importantly punishing) them for doing things such as this.
Parents, it is time that you all grow up and become PARENTS and stop trying to be your child's friend? You are supposed to lead by example. Why are so many parents burying their children because they have taken their own life, rather than endure any more torment at the hands of their peers, who are too cowardly to even tell them how they feel to his face? When will we show our children that being different is ENCOURAGED and to be LEADERS and not followers? More importantly, WHEN WILL PARENTS HAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR CHILDREN'S ACTIONS, SUCH AS THESE?
I remember being told, be careful what you say. Because once it's out there, you can't take it back. In this FB era, there is no discretion with these kids. Everything is public news. Their business is tweeted daily, and they don't care what they say or show. What's worse, they think it's ok to say/do whatever, because they've seen their parents, family, and other adults do the same.
I had one 6th grader today, when watching the video about the girl making so many internet safety mistakes yell out "She is so RETARDED! Why would she do that?" I QUICKLY checked him about this comment, how inappropriate it was and how it will NOT happen again in this class or he will be gone. Where are the teachers who will enforce this and stand UP for these kids? They are hurting, they are scared, and they feel like they have no option other than to end their lives? Where are the TEACHERS and ADULTS standing up for these kids and making examples of these bullies?
Parents, you MUST do the following with your children and computers:
1. DO NOT allow them to create social networking accounts, etc. unless they are of a mature age to do so.
2. Discuss safe/appropriate use of the Internet.
3. IF they have accounts, have the passwords to ALL of them. Check these accounts to ensure they are NOT being bullied or are bullying others.
4. Make sure any computer used in the house is ALWAYS used in a common area where others are visible (i.e. living room, kitchen, etc.). Nothing should be a secret operation.
5. Discuss with your kids the importance of being a leader, and the first step in doing that is by standing up for those who are being hurt by others.
6. Do NOT visit sites they shouldn't. Let them know what types of sites are considered inappropriate.
7. Check your Internet History options on your web browser. You can ALWAYS find what sites have been visited on the computer and discuss these with your kids.
8. Place Internet blocks and filters on your computers, to ensure children don't reach these accounts.
9. Discuss bullying and what is considered bullying. Recognize the signs for help and teach your kids to as well.
10. LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Your FB, Twitter, and other accounts should emulate what you want your kids to portray.
How tragically ironic and said that this child took his life on the eve of the Department of Education's 2nd Summit on cyberbullying and the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?" How sad that, in 2011, we have to fight such ignorance, not only with adults in the military, but now with our babies?
Now another mother has to bury her child, at the hands of another ignorant parent and child's careless and hurtful comments. There are things that will NOT happen on my watch. I pray that, over the next year, I'm able to save some child's self-esteem, childhood, and more importantly, life.
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